March teases us when it’s summer in the light and winter in the shade. If it wasn’t for the daffodils, that come before the Robin dares, I’d stay inside. Welcome to the March newsletter.

SURVIVOR’S GUILT

Last month, I included some stories about Haiti. As I read them, I reflected on other natural and man-made disasters and I remembered a term psychiatrists use to describe the nightmares and gut wrenching emotions the survivors feel. They call it survivor’s guilt and I first heard about it when I was a patient at Hines VA Hospital in the 80’s.

I experienced it when I visited the Wall in D.C. and looked up the names of guys I knew that never came home from the war. As a medic, my most gruesome duty was to find the dead and identify them, and then put their bodies in body bags. Tags with thin wires attached were filled in with all the information I had available. The wired tags were wrapped around one of the toes of the dead, hence the name “toe tags”.

Some bags were sent home with partial remains and sometimes could not accurately be identified. The names were ascertained from rosters after a head count. Medics weren’t well liked because you had to load bags with guys’ “buddies”. There were so many that I became numb to it and distanced myself from everyone.

At the Wall however, I looked in the directory they have for visitors to look up names and years of service and saw where I should find names I remembered. I had to go just before the middle where it bends, on the west end of it. As I approached, my feet got heavy and when I got there, the names seemed to glow. I could remember all of those toe tags as if it were yesterday and suddenly I crumbled and started crying. Other vets were there and told me that it was normal and strangers stopped by to hug me.

That was survival guilt first hand. As I think back now, I remember seeing the same expression on faces of survivors of all current news events, such as 9-11, Katrina, the tsunamis and now the earthquake in Haiti. With each event, I feel their pain and can see the body bags in my mind all over again.

There’s one death that seems to go unnoticed in this world by many; that of Jesus. Easter is just around the corner and as a kid it simply meant baskets with candy and visits from relatives. Now however, especially after all of the events I’ve mentioned, I start to feel survivor’s guilt as I reflect on the events surrounding His death because as a sinner, I’m responsible.

The thing that amazes me though is that He won’t allow me or anyone to feel guilty. He loves us unconditionally. I know that because it’s in the Bible.

Easter falls on April 4th this year and I plan on using the month of March to prepare. Each year as Easter nears, I read the Bible more than usual and I watch all of the movies about the events surrounding His death. I save the Passion for last and watch it just before Easter. In that movie, you get the closest to actually seeing the brutality they heaped upon Jesus and if you close your eyes, you can almost feel the pain.

I’m overwhelmed by the fact that He could have stopped it at any time but everything had to be played out as planned. Anything less and nobody would have noticed. It would have been just another death by crucifixion.

They beat Jesus so bad that his friends could not recognize Him. As I watch the movies and reflect on the written words, I see the body bags again. This time though, for the first time in my life, I don’t feel the survivor’s guilt. He won’t let me.

For once in my life, I actually feel free because;

That whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life. For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
John 3:15-16

The Bible is like reading a love letter from God to all of us. Jesus died for all of us and though we should feel survivor’s guilt, He tells us to let go of our worldly grief;

For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation and brings no regret, but worldly grief produces death.
2 Corinthians 7:10

Pain, death and suffering will always happen here on Earth. The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves. We would be less than human if we felt no grief but to feel guilt because God allowed us to live is just plain weird. Only by reading the Bible could I learn that and be able to let go. The Bible is the truth and It set me free.