CAREGIVER vs. CARE RECIEVER

I had my first stroke on New Year’s Eve, 1993. I’ve had to learn to receive care from my wife and others. It hasn’t always been easy because I’m an independent person. Everyday chores became uphill battles and there have often been times when I felt like I was in a sand pit and the harder I tried to climb out, the more the sand closed in around me. When it gets that bad, I take the help offered. I have no choice.

Now, my wife and editor is home on medical leave. She had hip replacement surgery. Everything went well and she will be in good shape after she recovers, but for a while I get to be the caregiver. It’s hard because as independent as I am, I’m nothing compared to her. Some say she is stubborn but I say she is just plain tough. If reincarnation is real, she must have been one of those crusty pioneer women that could out-shoot any man while plowing the north forty. I wouldn’t cross her.

The day after a hip or knee replacement surgery, you’re expected to stand next to your bed and if the pain isn’t too bad, the therapist walks with you to the door of your room and back to the bed. She got to the door and insisted on going on. She walked about 70 yards and repeated that walk later in the afternoon.

Around the house, she’s like a hamster in a cage. The healing process is just too slow for her. She wants to keep doing things and I feel like I should install a human size hamster wheel so she can burn off pent up energy. To be fair, she works in a job that keeps her very busy and being told to slow down really is hard for her. But she needs time to heal. As good as surgeons are in this world, the body is still the same; time heals all wounds. She just isn’t used to “wasting time”.

For the first time though, I am really seeing the struggle of a caregiver versus the pain of being a care receiver. I’ve had to take care of people in health care environments but that was a job and I was young and looked at my duties the way a mechanic approaches a car when it’s brought into a garage. Plus, it was a very long time ago and those days are more of a distant dream. After all these years of being handicapped and relying on others for many things, becoming a caregiver is new. I want to be up to the challenge but it’s tough.

Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.
Galatians 6:2

I guess you could say that such a situation is about control. The care receiver wants to control the body and time. The caregiver wants to control the patient with eyes on a safe recovery. As a patient, I was most upset when hospital workers said I would never drive again based on the fact that my whole right side was affected by the stroke. Naturally, I thought that they just didn’t want me to drive again and I resented that.

Cursed [be] he that maketh the blind to wander out of the way. And all the people shall say, Amen.
Deuteronomy 27:18

I started to work harder towards that goal. However, there are gas pedals for the left side that can be installed and driving becomes easy again.

I thought back on those days and nobody was looking to control me; they were just looking to make me see my obstacles and understand my lack of ability. Now I have to tell my wife that she can’t drive or do stairs until the doctor says she can. I guess I should have hid her keys and locked the basement door. Anyone that knows Mary knows that it would be done in her time and she would tell me that she’s already done those things. That happened already, much sooner than I anticipated.

The hardest thing for anyone to accept is when something happens and they can’t do things they are used to doing. We live in a world of uncertainty and there are so many people that are unwilling to help without a lot of compensation. But, believe it or not, there are still a lot of good Samaritans in the world that will do more than you can imagine for others. The problem is that many care receivers hesitate on giving up control of their situation, thus robbing the Samaritan of an opportunity.

for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.'
Matthew 25: 35-36

Control is an illusion. We really have very little in our lives and what we have is given by others and you can follow a path right back to God. Even the strongest individuals and mightiest rulers have no power if God doesn’t allow it. As a care receiver, that was a tough lesson. As a caregiver, it’s a hard lesson to pass on.

Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools,
Romans 1:22

Sometimes, the best thing is to accept who you are and if the situation arises to be a caregiver, do your best. When you are forced to be a care receiver, let the person do what they can, lest you rob them of a golden opportunity. Accepting limitations is hard but both sides have them. Acknowledging those limitations and handing them up to the Lord gives both sides strength and makes the heart glad and heals the spirit.

A merry heart doeth good [like] a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.
Proverbs 17:22